A New Study In Scarlet
Short Story
by Duane Vorhees
Never had I seen Lastrade in such a state -- “2 & 8” as he
would have said. A manic mathematician he was, indeed, as he strode into our
flat at 221B, looking very much like a slice of whitecake a-splotch with pink
icing. Though perhaps still short of the elephant’s trunk level of Brahms and
Liszt, he obviously had been drinking. I trust that he came seeking Holmes’
assistance whilst not on duty; on all other occasions of our acquaintance he
was the best of the professionals. As for Holmes, he was at first unusually
loquacious. “Inspector, you know of course my Boswell and associate, Dr. John
Watson, late of the Royal Army Medical Corps in Afghanistan?” he said, adding,
“Regrettably, I have no others in the world that I would honour with the
sobriquet ‘friend,’ but I am unreservedly pleased to bestow the title on this
gentleman. He is the wisest and kindest and bravest human being I have ever
known.” If I blushed at the accolades, Lastrade would not have noticed, as he
launched immediately into his expedition of entreaty. What followed was “three
weeks in jail,” a sorrowful tale of blood and ‘orror in Whitechapel into which
he interspersed at-the-time-incomprehensible references to Alan Whickers and
Arthur Nelly – Holmes later informed me he meant knickers and bellies -- and
their unspeakable acts in such exotic locales as Bristol City, Berkshire Hunt,
and the Khyber Pass -- I shall let you navigate these places on your own
terms. Weeks of shocking lemon limes (crimes, that is) had made spotted
dick even the most hardened bottles and stoppers, among whose esteemed ranks
Lastrade was pleased to count himself, and he admitted shamefacedly that they
hadn’t a Scooby (that is, they were clueless) as to the perpetrator. To make
matters worse, the bent had begun mocking them in the linen drapers, even going
so far as to sign himself cheekily “the Ripper.” A slew of slags had been
found, brown bread for sure but not yet taters in the mould (dead but warm
still), slit from tits to clit but certainly not “ripped,” mind you, but rather
sliced precisely and neat-like, like feet (plates of meat) in the Savoy
kitchen. He gave me pause when he related that the reins had been carefully
removed and eaten; it only later dawned on me that he referred to the kidney
area, the loins. Throughout the breathless account Holmes sat stoic, as
inscrutable as Mr. Babbage’s calculator, minutely tracking the recitation, my
reactions, the movement of the peripatetic fly through the stuffy room… until
Lastrade’s machine rattled to a stop. Like a ferret in a trap, the inspector
made his final plea, “Them’s the brass tacks. ‘Ow ‘bout it, Guvnor? Will you
show us the way then?” A long, uncomfortable silence ensued, broken by a query
by Holmes, followed by Lastrade extracting a notebook from his pocket and
reciting a schedule of dates and times, after which Lastrade shifted and
twitched through another period of preternatural quiet. Holmes spoke at last,
“So far as I’m concerned, Inspector, this time, for me, the game is definitely
not afoot. However, I give you my apologies but also my assurances that no
similar occurrences shall transpire in future.” After Lastrade’s embarrassed,
befuddled departure, Holmes responded to my own quizzical look, “It took an
effort on my part to weigh the duties of justice against the obligations of
loyalty, but I finally decided that I could balance them both. It has been an
exhausting evening, and I strongly suggest you retire…. Jack.” As he concluded
his remark, I knew then that my entire situation had forever changed.
Duane Vorhees is an American poet living in Thailand. Before that, he taught University of Maryland classes in Korea and Japan. Hog Press, of Ames, Iowa, has published three of his poetry collections and is preparing a fourth.