Not
likely round here
It was in a plain buff envelope, as you would expect
with that sort of thing. It had our names, Neil and Sylvia, written on it but no
surname. Inside was a photocopied message made up of letters cut from a
newspaper saying:
“Friday evening. The Brown household. Be there. That
day will be the last. Cuckoos in the nest.”
Nothing else, nothing on the back, no stamp. Pushed
through our letterbox some time Monday night. There is no Brown household in
the village or, indeed, any other colour (thank goodness, ha ha) so, at first, we
thought it was a joke. I didn’t mind but Sylvia said it was creepy, get rid of
it, so I didn’t laugh. Actually, I kept it and didn’t tell Sylvia, you know
what she’s like about that sort of thing. I found out at the church coffee
morning on Tuesday that Mary across the road got an identical note with “Mary”
on the envelope. She burnt hers. Some people think she was a witch in another
life and I have to say I do wonder about her.
The so very delightful Kevin and Angela at the top of
the lane in their swanky palace with its huge conservatory and the gazebo at
the end of their enormous garden, they got one too. They’ve got a swimming pool,
the jammy so-and-sos, but they’ve got the space for that, what with all the
land they’ve got. And the money to pay for it though the word is that the money
is a bit iffy, if you know what I mean.
And Josh and Steven, the local gay couple – they’re
everywhere days I believe - down near the end of the cul-de-sac overlooking the
railway line, they also got one and paid it no mind at all.
They said, ‘Being what we are, we get this kind
of thing all the time, other people being what they are.’
Brian, living on his own after his wife walked out because
of his temper two months ago, got a copy of the note. I walked past his front
gate on Wednesday morning and he said it made him really angry. His neighbours,
Sarah and Nick, with their beautiful new baby, got a copy so Jen told me. Jen
is Dr. Houghton’s wife and the village oracle, never cross Jen if you can help
it.
It became clear that only some people in the village received
it. Apparently, the Reverend Baldwin was left out, which was odd because he’s
always been one of us after all. Or so we thought.
Anyway, here we are, it’s Friday evening and the usual
gang has got together in Dr. Houghton’s enormous kitchen to chew the fat about
the Great Mystery and other stuff. There are the many bottles of wine that
people always bring to this sort of thing, and a carry out chinese to come that
Jen has ordered from the Emperor’s Palace at the top of the hill, so very kind
of her.
Brian says he thought he saw some people, including the
Reverend Baldwin, hanging around outside as he walked up but he isn’t sure.
‘It’s because you live alone, you’re seeing things
Brian.’ says Kevin followed by general laughter all round. Brian looks cross.
And now the Reverend has actually arrived looking a bit flushed, carrying what
looks like a heavy sports bag of all things.
‘Been to the gym. New Year resolution, don’t mock.’ he
says. ‘Sorry I’m late. Didn’t get the message that you all got, you know. Very
odd.’
‘We know, Reverend. White wine or red?’ says Jen.
Anyway, we’re getting through hilarious theories
including a cry for help, sneaky advertising, a prank, a party political
manifesto, a strange work of art (Gareth says Banksy but we all say he paints,
not writes, you idiot), a death threat and a revolutionary call to arms. The last from Seth and Jemima, the university
lecturers - sociology and media studies I believe. They’re nice though their lefty
political ideas don’t really fit in round here (“woke” is the term to use I’m
led to understand), but it takes all sorts. Eventually silent, dapper Gordon
the IT specialist, who we all suspect works for “the government”, opines it
could be a coded message and says he’ll take it to work on Monday and see what he
can do.
‘Great,’ we all say, ‘thank you Gordon, thank you so
much, what a relief.’ Gordon guffaws loudly at this, no idea why. Gordon’s wife
is foreign, from Africa I believe but she’s actually quite nice, speaks good
English.
But, we’re getting a jolly party out of it so why
worry? We’ve finished the wine we all brought, so we have a whip round and send
Ben – Dr Houghton’s son home from university– out to the offy to get some more drinks
and we tuck into the newly arrived chinese which is actually delicious, who
would have thought it.
Then the Reverend says, ‘Midwich Cuckoos.’
And we all say ‘What?’
Jen says, ‘Midwich Cuckoos, a scary story from yonks ago.’
‘Oh yes,’ says Gordon, ‘something happens and everybody
in some village falls asleep and when they wake up all the women of child
bearing age are pregnant.’
‘Not likely round here, I’m afraid.’ I say. ‘Most of
the ladies here are well past that sort of thing, ha ha.’
Gordon continues, ‘And in the end all the evil
children are persuaded by the frightened villagers to gather together somewhere
indoors. Then someone they trust sets
off a bomb inside, kills them all. I think it was the vicar that did it, but I
can’t be sure.’
I’m looking at Reverend Baldwin who has just put his
hand inside the sports bag.
Roger was born in London and has
lived in the North East of England in the Tyne Valley for well over 40 years.
He retired in 2012 from a working life in health care, environmental
consultancy among various other odd occupations that demanded mainly dry as dust
reports and proposals. Now, getting on a bit, he is finding deep pleasure in
writing flash fiction, short stories and the occasional poem. He’s trying to
learn what words can really do, find a consistent voice and, mainly, have fun
with them. About six years ago, he acquired an allotment and wishes he had done
that years ago.