Six Poems by Nolo Segundo

 

Wrestling With God

 

For over half a century

I have wrestled with God.

Our unseen match is daily,

in my bed before I sleep,

at the table after a meal,

sometimes while driving

along a lonely, desolate road

and always while watching

the evening news with its

graphic proof of humanity’s

stupidity and wickedness,

over and over and over….

 

I try to pin Him,

to keep Him in one place,

to hold Him just long enough

to see, to know, to understand.

 

Sometimes I think I almost have Him,

but no, He always, always slips away.

 

Of course it is not a fair match--

my little brain that can hold but

one lonely thought at a time;

my hands, once powerful,

now arthritic, crooked fingers

still trying to grasp at divinity…

but even when young and strong

I could not hold Him-- still,

we wrestle, God and me, and

sometimes I suspect He wants me

to win, but mostly, no: I know

I’ll never pin Him down--

not in this life, not in this world,

yet He lets me try….

 

I think He likes it when I try.

 

The Gifts Of God

 

Those whose minds see only matter as real

will never see their gifts from God and

so will take for granted the beauty of

dogwoods in early spring and not marvel

at the cacophony released by a forest of

birds in the endless concert we call life….

 

The stars at night may seem awesome but

will not pull up their minds into the depths

of the Universe, for they are fastened hard

to earth’s dirt, like walking, talking corpses.

 

 

When I Pray

 

When I pray,

I pray for my body,

for its sporadic attacks

of arthritis to cease

and desist—or at

least lessen so I

don’t feel like I

am back in time

at the Inquisition….

 

I pray for my mind,

that it stays sharp,

sharp enough to be

able to think and

write and listen

and question and

hope...but also

that God takes

away my mean

thoughts,  and

the petty dreams

of my ego, the

soul’s enemy….

 

Most important, as

I learned as a very

careless young man,

are my relentless

prayers for that

endless part of me,

my soul… for

what else will see

the eye of Eternity?

 

Does God Get Lonely?

 

Does God get lonely?

Does He miss you

when you don’t call on Him?

Does He feel neglected

when you try to navigate

alone this world of

shadow and substance,

shallowness and depth?

Are His feelings hurt

when you decide He,

the Lord of all the Worlds,

does not exist, He cannot be

real?

 

Does He ever yearn to shout

‘You are not God! You are

only my faint image and

know not your limits.

You have learned some, just

a few really of my secrets and

now you have the power of a

god to destroy your world as

you have always had the power

to lose your soul, yet what

but fear can keep you from

making your own hell?

 

I’ll tell you what:

the love I gave you--

that singular love when I

took the animal out of you

and gave you choice instead

of instinct--

but you choose to feed

fear and hate and

not love and hope.

 

And that is why I miss you... ‘

 

WHERE THE SOUL HIDES

 

Not behind a face, nor eyes

Can a soul hide for it seeks

Always to escape the body

Which holds it fast to earth

And keeps the soul from

Flying to heaven or even

Just to travel a vast and

Wondrous universe….

 

For soul knows--  knows

The good it has done and

Suffers for the harm.

And soul longs, longs

Fiercely for God--  to swim in

The great ocean of light

And hear the beating

Of the Eternal Heart.

 

 

ONCE, ONE CELL

 

I was once a single cell,

made when my mother’s egg

swallowed my father’s sperm

(the lucky one that won the race).

 

I was once a newborn,

coming into the world uninvited

though not unwelcome.

 

I was once a toddler,

shuffling from room to room

in a house partly recalled,

mostly forgotten.

 

I was once a young child

who believed in Santa until

reason became cruel and

chased the magic away.

 

I was once a teen

beset by the sudden plague

of desire, pulling and pushing

me every waking moment,

the freedom of childhood

now gone forever.

 

I was once a young man

of good stature and passable

looks who learned how to talk

to women and how to make

them laugh, and they would

fall into my arms but my

heart was frozen, afraid it

would break I suppose,

 

I was once a suicide falling

into a vast darkness

until God returned me back

to the world for another try.

 

I was once a newlywed,

a survivor of myself, and

now half of a new being.

 

I was once a working man

who drove a 100 miles a day

selling this or that and

was happy to do it.

 

I am now an old man

edging ever closer, not

to that final illusion,

death, but...Eternity

Nolo Segundo, pen name of L.J.Carber, became a widely published poet in his mid-70's in over 140 literary journals/anthologies in America, Canada, England, Romania, Scotland, Portugal, Australia, Sweden, India and Turkey. A trade publisher has released 3 book length collections: The Enormity of Existence [2020], Of Ether and Earth [2021], and Soul Songs [2022]. These titles like much of his work reflect the awareness he's had since having an NDE when as a 24 year old agnostic-materialist, believing only matter was real and so death meant extinction, he lept into a Vermont river in an attempt to end the suffering of a major clinical depression. He learned that day the utter reality that poets, Plato, and Jesus have spoken of for millennia: that every sentient human has a consciousness that predates birth and survives death--a soul. A retired teacher [America, Japan, Taiwan, and Cambodia in the mid-70's] he's been married 43 years to a smart and beautiful Taiwanese woman.