Sometimes
What you think you want
More than anything in the world
And the things you would give
Anything for
- Maybe even sell your soul for -
Believing
You will find perfection
And the answer to your prayers
Because you manifest
This scenario
Every night
Before you go to sleep
And you beg
And then you bargain
And finally, you sob
Because you know
With all the certainty in the world
That your life
Cannot be complete without them,
All turn out to be so
Deceptively wrong for you
And it can take years
For you to discover this truth
But once you do
It’s too late
Because by now you’ve traveled
Too far down this road
And hit the dead end
That you thought you had escaped
All those years ago
And the moments you’ve wasted
Lie sprawled across the unforgiving ground.
Word shards jumble like a Picasso
And they make no sense
Even as a whole
Nothing fits
Although it’s possible that bites of the truth might be there
But how can you know unless they hurt?
The jagged pieces
Slash across the tattered canvas
And it’s clear that the fragments
Are not meant to stand alone
But you have to claw through the chaos
Blood dripping
To find the connection
And then the only way to see it
Is to step back
And wait.
The sweet perfume of the yellow jasmine
Draped across the landscape like a backdrop
Fills my lungs with longing
Bringing me back to a time
When fireflies pirouetted across the night sky
In a delicate dance of light and shadow
Creating the tapestry that wove through the stars
Like ethereal sprites
They were magic.
They would flit close to us
In a game of catch me if you can
Daring us to cage them in jars
Where their lights would soon dim
Until they were released
And their freedom illuminated the heavens.
Tonight I search the darkness
Seeking the twinkling lights
Of my childhood
But the world remains enveloped in a black shroud
And the absence of magic
Suffocates the night.
Attempting to escape from the sauna-like hell outside
I approached the door of the ancient terminal
Sweat dripping down my face
Stinging my eyes like lemon juice on an open wound
Dragging my suitcase behind me
When a gnarled hand shot out
“High five!” was the demand.
I stared at the man on the bench
I attempted a smile and reached to open the door
“High five!” he repeated insistently like a mantra
And now I saw him
In his torn, once-blue T-shirt
Faded black shorts
With a stained khaki backpack
Tossed on the seat beside him.
I didn’t want to shove his hand aside
But I didn’t want to high-five him either
So I stood there
And he started mumbling
But I wasn’t sure how to respond
Because he obviously wasn’t talking to me
So I waited.
“OK, high five,” I finally said with forced enthusiasm
And he grinned and we slapped hands.
I waited for him to move his arm away from the door
But he ordered me to sit down, pulling his backpack off the seat to his left
I told him no, I wanted to sit in the air-conditioned waiting room.
And a scowl crossed his face
I apologized and ducked past his arm
And went inside.
Did I want to get away because his conversations were mostly one-sided
Or because of his shabby clothes
Or because of the anger I sensed brimming just below the surface
Or was it, as I assured myself,
That I just needed to cool down
Either way, I wanted to retreat
To my comfort zone.
When the bus finally came I opened the door to a blast of triple-digit misery
Gratefully handing my suitcase to the man waiting to toss it
Into the dark gaping hole on the side of the bus
And I quickly found an aisle seat and sank down
When I suddenly felt someone slam into me
Like a runaway bull
And then I heard the muttering
Before I glanced up
There he was
Staggering past me
Staring directly into my eyes
Like a dare
And I didn’t know
Which one of us was supposed to apologize
Since it’s usually me
But this time I just shook my head and looked away
Because really, what did I do wrong?
I get so tired of apologizing for my existence
Even when it’s been a survival tool I’ve had to use too often
And, then I realized that not apologizing might be his.
Soon his raspy voice
Finally faded away
And I nodded to the person sitting next to me by the window
Then took a deep breath and closed my eyes.
Sometimes
I am a stray dog
So grateful for the scraps
That are tossed my way
Offhandedly
With barely a glance in my direction
When I am fed
From an empty bowl
Because I believe that is love.
And the times when I am not kicked in the face
Or abandoned in the street
But I am taken into a home
And sometimes even given a bed
I try to be perfect
So they won’t toss me out
Since I believe that is love.
I shrink against the walls
Hoping for kindness
But I’ve learned
That sometimes it’s best
To be invisible.
When I am noticed
I automatically do all my tricks
To make them happy
Keeping me safe for awhile
But in the end
I find myself discarded
When something better comes along
Because I trusted when I shouldn’t have
And I am all alone again
Left out in the rain
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