Shadow Love
Flash Fiction
by Richard Stimac
Rickie placed his palms in the shape of a diamond around his bottle of beer on the restaurant table. He kept his eyes downcast. Benji smiled weakly as his index finger circled the lip of his bottle.
“You’ve got to give me time to process this,” Rickie said.
“Process away.” Benji looked at the floor.
Rickie ran his tongue across his teeth.
“I don’t really know what to say,” Rickie said.
“I only think about it,” Benji said. “I haven’t done anything. Like buy a gun.”
Wide-eyed, Richie looked at his childhood friend.
“I suppose that’s good,” he said.
“I don’t really want her to die. I just wish, you know, she would go away.”
“You’ve been divorced for over a year.”
“But I see her around town. Like at her job.”
“You go to her work?”
“She’s a manager at the convenience store.”
“There are other convenience stores in town.”
“But the one she works at is . . . convenient.”
Benji half-laughed at his own joke. Richie winced.
“Why don’t you just leave her alone.”
“I do.”
“You just told me you want to kill your ex-wife.”
“I didn’t say that I wanted to kill my ex-wife.”
“You think about it. You plan it out.”
“The idea is there. That’s all. You’ve never thought about doing something bad that you knew you’d never do?”
“I never planned to kill someone.”
“I haven’t planned anything.”
“I can’t imagine what she’s going through.”
The server leaned against the bar at the opposite end of the room. He eyed the two men then turned back to his conversation with the bartender and a regular.
“You know what the problem is? You always wanted to fuck my wife.”
“Ex-wife.”
“There. See. You didn’t deny it. And how do you even know it’s been over a year?”
Rickie took a deep breath. He held it. The out breath was longer than the inhale.
“I know she’s fucking every guy in town. I just know it.”
“Why did you tell me this?”
The question startled Benji.
“Why?”
“Yeah. Why? Why me?”
“You’re my best friend.”
“We haven’t seen each other for over ten years.”
“We’ve been friends since we were kids.”
“This isn’t fair.”
“What’s not fair?”
“You telling me this.”
“I expected you to understand. To support me. As a friend. As a man.”
“You’re unstable.”
“Now you’re getting personal.”
“You just told me—”
“I just opened up to you. With something very difficult to share.”
“I’m not a therapist.”
“Good friends are the best therapy.”
Rickie raised his arm to call over the server.
“I already paid.”
“Amazing.”
“What’s so amazing. Lots of men lose it during a divorce.”
“It’s been a year. Over a year.”
“I know that better than you. And you mentioned it already. You know what the real problem is? You’ve never been married, have you? You don’t know what it’s like to have your sense of being a man wrapped up with some women. Some woman who then decides she doesn’t want to be your woman. It shakes a man. To his core. Makes him question himself. His manhood. I’m just working through that.”
“By planning to kill Angel.”
“Nah. I don’t really want to kill her. Not for real. But I do need to kill her in my heart. I’m still in love with her.”
“Strange way of loving a woman.”
“Every man who loves a woman wants to control her. That’s how the world is.”
“That’s your fundamentalist talk.”
“I left that a long time ago.”
“Obviously not.”
“Those church people are wrong about a lot. But I think they’re right about men and woman. Men need women to act like women. To be a helpmate. An opposite. A support. That’s it. I think it’s a fact of life.”
“Women just want to live their lives.”
“You’re not being honest with yourself. As a man.”
Rickie rested his forehead against his folded hands.
“Praying?” Benji smirked.
“I’m not religious.”
“Oh, yes, you are. A lot more than me.”
As Rickie began to stand, Benji grabbed his arm.
“You’ve got to believe me. It’s like she’s a shadow following me around. My love for her is a shadow. I’ve got to let it go and I don’t know how.”
The two men were parked across from each other. As they sat in their cars, they looked at each other in their rear-view mirrors and both Rickie and Benji knew exactly where the other man wanted to go.
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